I HAVE MOVED (:

(: - saneitiny.livejournal.com











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heart and mind, a moment together.

Im suppose to chiong ITI journals now, but still have to read some article that ezzat has convinced me to be interesting. guess i blog abit to get my mind working on the early morning. oh and it's 930am now. it's irritating how my blog's timing is always wrong. it's behind time for like 15hours. /:

i was walking home with dinner yesterday when i saw this scene.

at the cake shop: a daddy was holding two children, they were chinese speaking. they don't look like they had a lot of education. they don't look very rich. the children, both boys were about 7,8 years of age. daddy was talking to the cake shop keeper, i heard him ask 'how much?'

the shopkeeper says 'ten dollars, eighty cents.'

when i turned to look they were all staring at the small chocolate cake in the display. and one of the boys, the older one i think, was tugging at daddy's hand.

daddy asked him 'you want is it?' (in chinese).

then the next thing i heard was, 'er, okay la, i buy.'

it just got me thinking as to how many times this would have happened in a child's life. as a child grows up. how parents or grandparents would throw away money just to make their kids smile.

it reminded me of, popo.

i remember when i was a little girl, popo took me out to westmall to walk around. i was feeling cold and i told her about it. we weren't really doing anything, just shopping for a few stuff.

then she brought me into tom & stephanie, and to the jackets section. a blue jacket caught my eye, and she noticed. she bought it down for me without thinking much. i remember it was twenty odd bucks.

and just because, i was cold.

the stupid thing is that i no longer wear that jacket anymore. it's too small for me. but everytime i think back,

popo just loves me too much.

it doesn't take a psychology student to think and encounter various emotional incidents portraying human behavior between relationships. even a cake shop aunty might see this everyday.

if i were a cake shop aunty and i see this everyday, would i get numbed to it? or would i still think so much? haha.

mmm.
okay now, back to work! today journals due 5pm. tmr biblio due 3pm. monday iti report due 5pm. tuesday, iep paper.


sigh.

painful thoughts

For Aihui,


suddenly thought of that day when i was sitting at the table outside fc6 with dadp, suddenly saw this group of people carrying cute big yellow glowing balloons. balloons just make my day. i immediately wanted one. and then i saw aihui, so i got one from her. my fellow dadpians were excited too. think its just a dadp thing. haha. then we took childish photos and everything. it was some campaign to choose to be happy or something. haha, so we 'chose' to be happy and happily took away the balloons and the smiley clips they gave us. haha, and this really nice namecard things that say:

whatever thoughts are causing you pain they are only thoughts. Happiness is a daily decision.

i suddenly think of Michelle when i read this. i used to tell her how we can control being happy or not. but now, it's me myself who can't seem to do it. Michelle darling, are you happy now? i hope you are. i'd be too.

i'd try.

i guess i've been thinking too much. cause there's just so much to think about. the worse thing is that, its not the work thats putting me down, it's the emotional factor in this whole process, where i'm not happy inside, but i am that you all are. where i face the loneliness, to take away yours. where i cannot afford to be disorganised just cause i'll lose out. not cause i'll fail, but cause i'd be lonely. where everything in this world is based on merit. and im not talking about studies. where i can't afford to be complacent, cause i'm simply not perfect. where i just..

need to keep reminding myself that.

yes, maybe i'm thinking too much, to hurt myself. i pray Lord you'd grant me more optimistism in my life.

cause wad's causing me pain are only thoughts, and i can control, happiness is a daily decision, it's my decision, gail.

i realise everyday.

my throat hurts so bad. as though the skin inside my throat has been scrubbed by a scrub or something. these few weeks many things have happened in this little life of mine.

1) i realise im an ESFP. though i know through all that i'm going through, im gonna turn J soon.
2) i opened up to a classmate, almost everything about me. everything that made me to who i am now.
3) i realise, a person's experience and family background makes up the whole of someone's character. and siblings play a big big part.
4) i'm too stubborn.
5) i realise wearing high heels isn't a very nice thing.
6) i lack sleep once again.
7) i bought a little pink netbook. but am too lazy to go configure. i don't even have microsoft office. hahaha.

next week ive a total of 5 assignments due. but at the end of next week, pkc retreat. probably thats what i can look forward too. just pure rest and relax. and fun of course. finally. i'm still wondering if i should leave retreat on sat night to go for ezzat's party. mm. i'll decide when the time comes la. haha. i saw randee when i was out with clem today. it was so hilarious seeing her in the middle of no where.

i better go sleep now, trying to download adobe flash so i can watch vids on youtube. ugh, it's been half an hr but it's still at 33%!! think i'll just leave my netbook on for the night. haha. grace wants me to wear green tmr. but the only green i have is, my exze tshirt? haha. o well. nights my lovely world. it's been a great day today. (:

the heart & the mind.

i don't like to find myself explaining myself to people.
it's as though i'm trying to clear my name or something when i didn't do anything wrong. did i?

it wasn't all the scoldings. it was the moment one tells me he understands and that he trusts me that tears would start flowing down my cheeks. well that's when i feel most comforted. i always thought i was strong enough, that's why all the holding back of tears even infront of confrontations, even when facing crap from people. but never did i realise words of comfort is what would allow me to let my guard down.

and just cry.


people tend to see all the ugly sides of something, all the disfigured, or maybe there was just a little scar, but yet they shriek. why don't they turn the image and see how beautiful the other side is, and praise? i get alot of comments, but none are words of appreciation. and i thought you would know best since you were once in my shoes.

sometimes i wonder if my life would be easier if i hadn't got into this from the very beginning.
sometimes i wonder if i know why i'm doing all this.
sometimes i just get confused, and turn to God.
Is this what You want me to do? I assume so, so i carry on.
Even though it's not easy and it's not gonna be, but i will keep trying, my love.

I thought maybe if i use a bit of love to do things, for everyone. it'd all be easier, and i'd be happier. because love is above all. as God is love. but what i get back is that it's all not enough. maybe love won't allow me to see things at all possible angles. sad to say, but maybe just love, is not enough. I guess i just got to use my head still, instead of my heart.


sometimes the truth hits you so bad. like how the speakers are first turned on and music floats the place. your head just can't take it. but your heart is what will carry you further.

dad & mom.

hello my not so but pretty dead blog, i'm here to revive you again.

guess what, i actually typed a pretty long post but i accidentally posted on sdz's blog instead, so i quickly deleted it and now it's gone. so i guess i just gotta type it all again down here. how smart.

i had some difficulties trying to log in to post in blogger. i guess it's probably due to my super long password. my blogger password's pretty long. i always have to type it t least thrice cause i always type it wrongly the first 2 times. on days i have not so sparstic typing skills then maybe can on the second time. haha. whenever i type my password in front of people they'd go, 'wa, your password so long ah.' dono leh, i just have to have a long password, but yet it's easy to remember for me. maybe im beginning to build mistrust and suspicion, okay think i've been studying too much. haha.

wierd. i was studying on cardiovascular diseases when i heard about micheal jackson's death. cardiarc arrest. though it's not in my textbook i did go and google it. haha who knows it might come out in friday's paper. ugh, come to think of friday's paper i've yet to revise for it. nothing went into my brain at all when i was studying! 'the brain has unlimited capacity.', i keep telling myself.

i was picnicing with clem today when i saw a beautiful sight. it was this baby trying to walk on the sand. it was juggling on his two cute feet, tripping slightly towards his family on the fine sand. mummy was watching over him from afar. it was so uber duper adorable. i couldn't really see the gender from afar but i'd just presume he's a boy anyway. then suddenly, daddy picked him up and tossed him in the air! clem and i stared blanky for a few seconds and then all the 'walao eh..', 'wad the...', 'wa...' came. it's just shocking to me how daddy tossed him in the sky and catched him, tossed him around his own body and still laughing all so confidently. well, i was pretty shocked. but clem told me it's normal for a daddy to do that cause the babies like it. then i said, 'mummies won't do that.'

it's true isn't it? you don't really see mummies tossing their babies in the air do confidently and assuredly do you? but daddies do. to babies, daddies are always the more fun one. at least when i was a baby that's what i thought. they'd laugh and play with them, bring them out to play and swim and do stuns. but mummies won't. mummies are just too anxious and paranoid to risk their babies' safety. not that daddies don't care. probably they just wanna see their babies laugh and love them. well, at least i know i won't toss my baby in the air when i do have a baby. haha.

everyday i learn something new. not bad eh. but it's getting late, i'd end here. i'm suppose to help mum clean up the construction site-like house tmr, finally the renovation of my new bathroom is done! no more construction works and i can find sleep late without getting woken up by the drillings! i'm tired, and so is that daniel who has been bullying me for the past hour! (i know you're reading this! hahahaha.)
go sleep la! (:



id be buying my new cap tmr. (:

i feel till i don't.

thanks to the people around me, i'm back up again.

i don't feel like psoting emo stuff but i can't help it. haha. it's like whenever i feel like posting it's actually the times when i feel emo. my blog is so screwed. sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads this stuff? haha. actually there are some who care out there. during marina barrage performance i was pretty shocked when jon msged me about my sad posts and asked me to cheer up. thanks jon.


i was busy with marina barrage performance. didn't study much last week.
i need to study for two papers for next week.
next week is the week school reopens.
i'm having hospice drama rehearsal. but we're not really doing much.
drama performance somewhere in august.
gonna have many more rehearsals when school reopens.
i'm having dance committee meeting today.
havent planned what i wanna tell the comm. though i know there are lots to talk.
i've been thinking about what tbg is gonna be like this sunday. and who i'd be going there with.
i suddenly miss shermain.
i'm wondering why clem isn't repying my msg.
i havent read my bible today.
i'm feeling cold.



i've been analyzing my emotions constantly these days. something i know someone won't do. something i dont know if i should be doing. but if i don't i'd feel empty. and very messy. i feel like eating fish and chips now. haha.



someone just taught me some stuff about love.
'love is suffering. love is patient. love is sacrifice.'
i realise i havent really been knowing how to love. do we all?
so easy to talk about, so easy to think about, so hard to do it.

you know i've been feeling quite heavy. even though i think i lost weight. but heavy as in, there's so many things to carry on my shoulders. i'm not that tired. but i've been really lazy to carry these stuff. and dragging it around. i haven't felt light for a very long time. there're so many datelines to meet. i wonder if time is almost up for me now. probably that's my worry. time. time will tell many many things.

God will show it through time. all the decisions i make and made. God will tell me through time. if it's right.