dad & mom.

hello my not so but pretty dead blog, i'm here to revive you again.

guess what, i actually typed a pretty long post but i accidentally posted on sdz's blog instead, so i quickly deleted it and now it's gone. so i guess i just gotta type it all again down here. how smart.

i had some difficulties trying to log in to post in blogger. i guess it's probably due to my super long password. my blogger password's pretty long. i always have to type it t least thrice cause i always type it wrongly the first 2 times. on days i have not so sparstic typing skills then maybe can on the second time. haha. whenever i type my password in front of people they'd go, 'wa, your password so long ah.' dono leh, i just have to have a long password, but yet it's easy to remember for me. maybe im beginning to build mistrust and suspicion, okay think i've been studying too much. haha.

wierd. i was studying on cardiovascular diseases when i heard about micheal jackson's death. cardiarc arrest. though it's not in my textbook i did go and google it. haha who knows it might come out in friday's paper. ugh, come to think of friday's paper i've yet to revise for it. nothing went into my brain at all when i was studying! 'the brain has unlimited capacity.', i keep telling myself.

i was picnicing with clem today when i saw a beautiful sight. it was this baby trying to walk on the sand. it was juggling on his two cute feet, tripping slightly towards his family on the fine sand. mummy was watching over him from afar. it was so uber duper adorable. i couldn't really see the gender from afar but i'd just presume he's a boy anyway. then suddenly, daddy picked him up and tossed him in the air! clem and i stared blanky for a few seconds and then all the 'walao eh..', 'wad the...', 'wa...' came. it's just shocking to me how daddy tossed him in the sky and catched him, tossed him around his own body and still laughing all so confidently. well, i was pretty shocked. but clem told me it's normal for a daddy to do that cause the babies like it. then i said, 'mummies won't do that.'

it's true isn't it? you don't really see mummies tossing their babies in the air do confidently and assuredly do you? but daddies do. to babies, daddies are always the more fun one. at least when i was a baby that's what i thought. they'd laugh and play with them, bring them out to play and swim and do stuns. but mummies won't. mummies are just too anxious and paranoid to risk their babies' safety. not that daddies don't care. probably they just wanna see their babies laugh and love them. well, at least i know i won't toss my baby in the air when i do have a baby. haha.

everyday i learn something new. not bad eh. but it's getting late, i'd end here. i'm suppose to help mum clean up the construction site-like house tmr, finally the renovation of my new bathroom is done! no more construction works and i can find sleep late without getting woken up by the drillings! i'm tired, and so is that daniel who has been bullying me for the past hour! (i know you're reading this! hahahaha.)
go sleep la! (:



id be buying my new cap tmr. (:

i feel till i don't.

thanks to the people around me, i'm back up again.

i don't feel like psoting emo stuff but i can't help it. haha. it's like whenever i feel like posting it's actually the times when i feel emo. my blog is so screwed. sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads this stuff? haha. actually there are some who care out there. during marina barrage performance i was pretty shocked when jon msged me about my sad posts and asked me to cheer up. thanks jon.


i was busy with marina barrage performance. didn't study much last week.
i need to study for two papers for next week.
next week is the week school reopens.
i'm having hospice drama rehearsal. but we're not really doing much.
drama performance somewhere in august.
gonna have many more rehearsals when school reopens.
i'm having dance committee meeting today.
havent planned what i wanna tell the comm. though i know there are lots to talk.
i've been thinking about what tbg is gonna be like this sunday. and who i'd be going there with.
i suddenly miss shermain.
i'm wondering why clem isn't repying my msg.
i havent read my bible today.
i'm feeling cold.



i've been analyzing my emotions constantly these days. something i know someone won't do. something i dont know if i should be doing. but if i don't i'd feel empty. and very messy. i feel like eating fish and chips now. haha.



someone just taught me some stuff about love.
'love is suffering. love is patient. love is sacrifice.'
i realise i havent really been knowing how to love. do we all?
so easy to talk about, so easy to think about, so hard to do it.

you know i've been feeling quite heavy. even though i think i lost weight. but heavy as in, there's so many things to carry on my shoulders. i'm not that tired. but i've been really lazy to carry these stuff. and dragging it around. i haven't felt light for a very long time. there're so many datelines to meet. i wonder if time is almost up for me now. probably that's my worry. time. time will tell many many things.

God will show it through time. all the decisions i make and made. God will tell me through time. if it's right.

my awesome.

my world has changed again.


i haven spent one minute not thinking about this,
wondering if i made the right decision.
wondering if it's all gonna be okay.
when i think of that look on your face,
and those tears in your eyes.
i can't help but eat in,
the heartache. the pain.

i never saw you this important.
till i decided to let you go.
But i guess this would be the best
for us, for now.
well. what i can do,
is to fill my head up with work.
so i won't keep thinking.
keep thinking of you.
keep thinking of how.
how i lost.
the person who loves me the most.


just close your eyes,
each loving day
and know this feeling won't go away.

till the day my life is through,
this is promise you.








it's been 2 days.
and i still do tear for you.

the journey begins here.

i found out so many things yesterday, i realise how sad it is to be in my position. and how heavy my world has become. i begin to love so many people in sdz. but i hate to see how some people manipulate people. it's disgusting.

i found out i made a huge mistake to one of the nicest people ever. uncle kenneth. who i've all along respected. i'm glad i manage to pluck up enough courage to apologise and talk to him. i would never ever wanna lose this awesome friend. the talk went pretty well, he understood and forgave me. i was happy, though i still cried all the way when i was walking out to the train station. it's just so many mixed emotions filling me up. i was happy knowing i'd be closer to uncle, but yet i feel lousy as a president, like i haven't even really started and i'm already making mistakes. and the knowledge that there're gonna be so many stepes to take before me, and so many obstacles blocking my path. it's gonna be all up to me to support myself. because it's gonna be so hard to trust people. and for them to trust me.

when i walked out to the train station i saw the shermain, louis they all waiting for me. suddenly i felt that warm sense of care. i wondered why they would wait for me when most of us were gonna take different trains. and they said they were worried about me. i felt really touched. really. thanks shermain for being there to make me laugh and lighten my mind. i thought there would be noone i could rely on, but at least you're here with me from the start, and hopefully all the way. when i think about certain people i might lose through walking this path in the future, i can't help but feel sad. i love you guys, i don't want things to change. i need all of you to help me. and stay by me. because it's gonna be tough. like what schizo said. it's gonna be tough. i thank God for some of you. shermain. louis. jiawen. i feel a lot better today.

things are gonna be fine. i just need to add in more love. because it's the only way i can see what's good for the club. help me love you guys more Lord. teach me what You really are Lord, for You are love.

it's so wierd how on some days i can be running around having so many things to do while on other days i suddenly have nothing to do. i even sat down in clubhouse today and wondered, why am i so free now? it's just so wierd. i thought i've many things to do. and the next thing i know, work starts coming in. and all these time, i'm alone. the loneliness starts flowing in slowly. not at the beginning, but after a while. because everything is based on me. and so to a certain extent, i work alone. even though i have others. but working with others still makes me feel lonely. because it's work. i wanna bond man. i want bonding time. i don't wanna work and work. it's just so sad. but at the same time, i'm so tired. haven't even made up the lost sleep from dance prep. ugh.



Lord, give me time for myself. to recuperate my energy level. grant me strength to walk on.






on days like these i miss you more.

i feel really useless. i need to love you guys. i can't just do this for the sake of it. help me Lord. don't let me break down.

the meaning of exze.

hey peeps, my bro has taken away my laptop for work use. i've no more laptop. ): BOOHOO. that explains a quarter of the reason why i haven been posting. other 3/4 boils down to the 2 camps i've been busy with for union. and dance stuff.


i know i can't handle both. i already cant take it. i rather concentrate on just one than to neglect any of them. both are my heart and blood.

i never knew i would get so close to people in union. it was exze that brought me to realise how awesome a relationship can be. today i was at fop decor. and i was listening to edwin's usual random comments and laughing at jerome's retardness. i then realise, it's so amazing how this little unique people with their individually different characteristics come together and have so much fun. im amazed at just these people themselves. just this very human organism. it's so amazing. God is so amazing.


in my 17 years of living, i never really look at a person and realise how beautiful he or she can be. until now. and i guess it's these beautiful people coming together that brought about my feelings for all of them. and that's not it.

i realise exze is different from other groups of people in my social life. their different from dadp and even other union people.

they dont judge.

we laugh about each others characteristics and tease maturely about our strengths and weaknesses. it's our hidden maturity that is making conversations so fun between us. there isn't really any time where we point out someone's difference with the rest and ostracise him or her. because we have found ourselves to be one big family. to love each other. really. i never found myself loving a bunch of friends so much this way before. untill now. i would tear for them. i would.

you know guys. you showed me what a relationship is. i dont wanna mention the word friendship because it doesnt feel enough to explain us. it's just the feeling you guys give me, and how i feel about myself when i am with you guys.

i would love to work in many other projects with you guys as a team, as gps, as gls, whatever, as exze. but i can't. i need to concentrate on sdz. because you guys are my love. but sdz is my commitment.

anyway, i'd always be floating around i guess. wont leave you all. (:


exze rocks my world big time. literally. (:

ouch ouch ouch.

yesterday's dance training was torturing again. bin once again gave us hell. push-ups that never seemed to end. and all that stretching. but uncle taught us a really nice choreo. and in girl's hiphop khai continued her circus choreo. it was all fun and happy until i woke up this morning.

goodness gracious. i feel as though i tore every single muscle in my body. think my muscles not used to trainings like that. every inch i moved on my bed hurt. i woke up and slept and woke up and slept. but just couldn't get out of bed. only managed to i think around 12 noon? i got up and did some stretching to reduce the aches. walk to the toilet and that's when i felt the nagging, numbing ache on my left lower back. my old injury was back. sigh.

i remember how i sobbed in the hospital when the doctor told me i had to stop dancing and rest. that time i was having SYF in school so after that i rested, i think. but now that i want to continue dancing , please, pain, will you go away? if mummy finds out she's gonna ban me from dancing. and that would be the end of me.

and so today i was actually planning to head down to queensway to get some cheap fbts to last me for my camps that're starting this weekend, but even walking around the house exerted enough pressure on my back. sob. so i stayed home the whole first half of the day. later there's still gp training. sigh. hope it's gonna be fine.

mel wanted another day for teaching her choreo and i stupidly suggested saturdays cause i remembered that popping class would be using mph, so we could share. i totally forgot that im gonna be in camp the coming 2 saturdays! and i wanna be in mel's choreo! boohoo. this has been on my mind the whole night, think i can only talk to schizo and see if he can let me out of camp for a few hours. it's getting more and more difficult to balance dance and union. im just glad schizo's in union too, then at least he would understand all my excuses. haha. am i making use of the fact that he's dance president in dance and gp ic in union's fo? haha lalala. i keep putting him in the dilemma. haha sorry schizo!

there're alot of things i wanna do this holiday. i wanna meet up with so many people: randee & ezzat, michelle, clem, pengpeng, nathan. wanted to do that all next week, but why the hell must gp trainings be on evenings. spoiling all my plans. and i cant even meet up with qiangqiang like that too. ugh.

oh anyway something happy. i got back my results and i'm pretty glad with them. though gavin's results keep demoralising me, heck care him la. i worked hard and i deserve a pat! mummy wants to celebrate but then again, i wonder when i would have the time to.

and qiangqiang ah, you also another busy one. sighs. how are we going to celebrate this sunday's occasion mm? (:

missing you on days i don't see you.